Identifying as Maori
June 5, 2025
By AHNZ
Worth it.
Whatever it costs you’ll make it back on special education grants, rates exemptions, special back-door entry into professional degrees. For the right people a seat on the local council without the need for messy campaigns or pesky elections. Brings DEI value to any workplace. You get special food-gathering rights, consultation fees, and ownership of fresh water is coming soon.
Do you like radio? It’s yours! A quarter share of the 5G spectrum (100 MHz of 400 MHz) and the frequency range 606-622 MHz just as the Waitangi Chiefs stipulated in 1840. Turn that shonky hunch into respectable course credits: That’s “Mātauranga Māori Science,” bro! Know something that rhymes with “Captain Cook got dead?” well you’re a poet laureate! Take my money!
See a bit of land you like? The government will buy it and give it to those who identify with a new concept called ‘traditional owner’; You! Leap-frog into first place in the government health system. Get some exclusive funding for your charity or corporation as part of the “Maori Economy.” Help keep crime rates down by exempting yours from the statistics; “Colonisation” is the real crime! Get out of jail free. Get away with murder. It’s all about how you feel, how you identify, and how well you can pull off the neo-Maori-steampunk look.
$499 and Afterpay is available.
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Image ref. Lander family in fancy dress. Poihakena Portraits, Facebook (2025)
Ref. Converted to Islam after the Mosque Attacks, NZB3
Ref. Liberals: A Buck Each Way, NZB3
2 thoughts on "Identifying as Maori"
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It’s the only solutions to the current situation…research until you find someone in your lineage that had a child with some person with Maori ancestory, especially those ‘wink-wink-nod-nod’ one’s out of wedlock, create a great story around it with enough historical facts to be convincing, then you too can push your way through to the trough.
There’s got to be a business opportunity for someone to turn such action into a very profitable business, like an immigration consultant, but migrating people to Maoridom…. the Government might even help with some seed funding.
Yes, if you sought to be a parasite you could go that way.
However, these roles are not freelance. You need to subject yourself to one of the Feudal Lords who preside over these tribal groups. You need to submit to them and offer up a pedigree chart. If you want some government cheese then you must apply for it through them. Beg them. These, the Maori Elites, the tribal heads, will then dole things out to you if you please them.
This ain’t no way to run a democracy.